Who You Calling A Deadbeat?! — November 09, 2008

I want to preface this statement by sharing that it is not my intention to justify or exonerate men who abandon or refuse to be fathers to their children. I have no illusions regarding the detrimental impact of absent fathers in the lives of children and the accompanying hardship and distress resultant from such dishonorable behavior.

However, given the plethora of websites, news specials, talk show radio outlets, etc., etc., etc., bombarding us with testimonies and images of derelict and dysfunctional black men, I was compelled to write this.

As a side note, it was torturous to hold my fodder against soon to be President Barack Obama after he waded into African American communities, parroting and caricaturing black men as basically lazy, degenerates. It was prodigal at best and an obvious attempt to pander to the sentiments of those who hold, proliferate, and would marginalize black men based on racist dogma and stereotypes.

Do men who refuse to be fathers exist? Yes. However it is intellectually myopic and socially destructive to rationalize that the lion’s share of black men who are absent from their children’s lives are “deadbeats.” And until we are willing to deal with the truth in its entirety concerning the absence of fathers, our community will never heal.

And this is one of them.

The reality of the matter is there is a growing class of women out there. Women who understand, have some familiarity with via third party, or have even taken the time to research the extent to which the family court systems can be utilized to their monetary advantage. Women who make a conscious decision to insure their monetary well being, by employing children as a lynchpin for what they perceive to be an opportunity for financial gain.

Women who because of past broken relationships and all of the grueling accouterments (bitterness, resentment, self-hate, distrust, emotional instability); women who are taught that black men are not to be trusted; women who have drank the Kool Aid incessantly poured by the media and their equally disturbed sisters, wholly vested in the belief that they are capable of being men; women who quite frankly lack the moral fiber and emotional capacity to understand the tremendous damage done to their children by their own, purposeful commitment to conflict with fathers; ultimately seeking to reduce black men to the caricatures and stereotypes broadcasted daily. Manifest destiny by any means necessary…. the means being the Family Court and Friend of the Court preferably.

Yes, there are 21rst Century Delilahs.

I am a father who was blessed and fortunate enough to be able to absorb the monetary cost associated with fighting to simply be in my daughters’ lives. I am articulate, intelligent enough, and comfortable conducting myself in hostile arenas (University of Michigan Alumni — Ann Arbor & currently employed in corporate America). Having been raised by my grandmother (old school upbringing) and been fortunate enough to have plenty of strong black male role models in my life, I was able to draw strength from a solid temperament. Additionally, during my preparation for the custody conflict, I spent an inordinate amount of time visiting courtrooms, observing the behaviors of judges, officers, and staff persons, recording data, and strategizing.

And last but certainly not least. I was able to secure an attorney who has tenaciously and effectively went to bat for me. Without his diligence, the aforementioned would have been irrelevant.

However, most black men are not comfortable staring down the legal conflict that awaits them, whereas the players are often inclined to be prejudicial against them (particularly after watching the ten o’clock news inundated with images of black males raping, pillaging, killing, abandoning, destroying everything in their wake): judges; family and friend of the court staff members; trigger happy security guards; legal jargon and precedents that simply don’t translate outside of a court room. Oh, did I mention that the super majority of the aforementioned characters will not share your hue or cultural experience. Also, that the few people who do, will be women…heaven forbid unhappily single and heavy.

I stared blankly at yet another magazine cover with a celebrity challenging men to “man up.” I didn’t read the contents, so I may be wrong. And to be quite frank I am so fatigued from the images, articles, exposes, etc., etc., chastising and many times dehumanizing black men, I’m not inclined to.

See, it’s easy to criticize when you financially well off. You know, part of that upper 5% of the entire U.S. population that grosses over $250,000 annually. It’s easy to criticize when you’ve never been on the opposite end of a judge’s glare; equipped with the agency to strip what is most loved in your life, and flush you down into the gutters of financial ruin. It’s easy to do so when you never experienced a 21rst Century Delilah who is committed to toggling that handle whenever it tickles her fancy to do so.

So let’s really put this in perspective.

How many black men (men period) can afford to spend upwards of $20,000 (the average American household income) over the course of eight months to fend off an impending onslaught of accusations: beating of children, child neglect, accusations of sexual abuse, improper application of judgment, exposure to pedophilia, exposure to inappropriate mediums advertising sexual malfeasance, etc., etc., Accusations that are often automatically ascribed a degree of credibility simply because a woman voiced them….whereas a man must prove his innocence before he can demonstrate his love, affection, and commitment to his child.

How many men could sit quietly and absorb the aforementioned insults without making the error of an emotional (justifiable) outburst, coupled with condescending insults and brazen slights day after day after day? How many black men are comfortable staring down (with a coke and smile) court officers (one stood conspicuously behind me with his hand on the trigger), while simmering beneath. And lets not forget those endearing moments with opposing attorneys.

How many men could sit and watch Delilah and opposing counsel present pornographic photos of their children before a judge and turn the finger towards you as the provocateur?

Most importantly, how many black men are able to secure competent legal counsel, whereas the absence of the aforementioned is tantamount to going into a lion’s den with a spoon as your defense.

Indeed. I’ve known what it is to be dragged into court more times than I care to remember, and forced to endure months of the aforementioned. I visited courtrooms to assess those who would ultimately determine to what extent I would even see my beloved daughter. I watched good, hard working, but less fortunate men broken time and time again. They lacked the monetary resources to fight for their children. They lacked the temperament and coaching to endure the most heinous of accusations in court, coupled with the destruction of their professional and personal lives outside of the courtroom. I can honestly say that for every twenty black men I watched be systemically torn down by the proceedings, only two maybe three of them had signed off…were despicably not vested in the welfare of their children and not even trying to make an effort.

I have successfully won joint custody of my youngest, and I am preparing to fight (if necessary) to rebuild the relationship between my eldest and I.

However, I am fortunate. Extremely fortunate. I walked a tight rope, and I thank God every day for guiding my steps. You better believe there were dark days when I wanted to return the despicable, gutbucket behavior strewn towards me in kind.

And it’s not even close to being over.

Also, let me clear about something. I take full responsibility for what has transpired.

I don’t blame the mothers of my two daughters for what transpired. I chose to sleep with them. Chose to bring children in the world with them. I was young, dumb, believing the rules didn’t apply to me. I’ve learned that you don’t get upset if you play with a snake and get bitten. It’s a snake. It’s going to do what it knows to do. Black men need to heed a number of lessons, but they especially need to heed these two.

When people show you who they are, believe them And secondly, yes… man up. Every decision you make or not make will bear consequences. Always be prepared to accept them. I knew better, and rolled the dice. My strife and turmoil is the price I’ve paid for the lesson, but it does not wash 21rst Delilahs of their deplorable behavior.

And if I had failed, it would not mean I’m a deadbeat daddy.

Originally published at https://www.catchjsbuford.com.